


The Element of Surprise

by peachMeowchi



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Burgerpants smokes weed, Comedy, Even Muffet is here!, Fluff, Gender-neutral Reader, Implied Crush/Pining, Other, Plot Twists, Reader is not Frisk or Chara, rated T for Tdrug, there's one scene that gets kind of Intense but don't worry about it, this is not a dark story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 23:12:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18082775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachMeowchi/pseuds/peachMeowchi
Summary: "ALRIGHT," he gave you a very serious look, balancing on his heels and bending his ankles at a concerningly sharp angle as he raised his hands to steeple his fingers underneath his nasal cavity. After a beat, he said, "CRIME IS WRONG.""Yes," you nodded fervently in agreement, lowering your voice to a murmur. He nodded as well, then glanced around once more before going on."BUT, PERHAPS... SOMETIMES... CRIME IS NECESSARY??" he exclaimed as if surprised, still trying to whisper. You narrowed your eyes at him and hummed suspiciously, but he shook his head quickly at your unspoken accusation, waving his arms in a way that almost made him lose his balance._______In which Reader assists Papyrus with some... Criminal Activity??? (??)





	The Element of Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> fml i saved this as a draft and when i published it, it published as if it had been posted on the ninth (when i saved it). second time (not as charming as the third time, but still objectively better), here we go. less try this again
> 
> i had a lot of fun writing this one, i hope everybody gets a laugh out of it!

"PSSST!"

The sudden voice made you jump, and you sat up a little straighter on the couch, looking around. You were at the skeleton brothers' house, idly watching TV and browsing the internet on your phone while you waited for Sans to get back. He had excused himself in a hurry about ten minutes ago, claiming he had some 'urgent business' to take care of.

"PSS _SST_. OVER HERE!" the voice persisted.

You hadn't even known he was home, but it was obviously Papyrus- he was whisper-shouting in the loudest way possible, clearly trying to be stealthy despite the fact that he was rarely able to lower his voice below a yell. You looked towards the hallway and spotted his skull very close to the ground- or, at least, it was much closer than usual. He must have been crouching or something. His arm emerged from behind the wall and he gestured for you to come over, then he disappeared from view.

You... weren't sure what this was about, but it seemed like it had the potential to be fun. You hopped up from the couch and rushed over, leaving the TV on for now in the hopes it would make sure your voices didn't carry, or, at the very least, make them harder to understand.

"AH, YES. HERE YOU ARE," he continued to whisper-shout, and you stared down at him.

He was indeed crouching, holding himself up with his hands as he bent his legs about as far as they would go, and he suddenly gestured for you to join him, looking up at you as if mildly affronted. It was as if his expression were asking, ' _are you trying to get us caught??_ ' so you quickly obliged, crouching low next to him. He cast a sneaky glance from the left to the right, then craned his neck around to look behind him, clearly checking for eavesdroppers (namely, a certain blue skeleton who always seemed to appear in the least convenient place at the least convenient time).

"ALRIGHT," he gave you a very serious look, balancing on his heels and bending his ankles at a concerningly sharp angle as he raised his hands to steeple his fingers underneath his nasal cavity. After a beat, he said, "CRIME IS WRONG."

"Yes," you nodded fervently in agreement, lowering your voice to a murmur. He nodded as well, then glanced around once more before going on.

"BUT, PERHAPS... SOMETIMES... CRIME IS NECESSARY??" he exclaimed as if surprised, still trying to whisper. You narrowed your eyes at him and hummed suspiciously, but he shook his head quickly at your unspoken accusation, waving his arms in a way that almost made him lose his balance. He ended up leaning slightly against the wall with his kneecap to keep from toppling backward. "NO, NO, YOU SEE... IT IS A _MORALS_ THING. LIKE, FOR INSTANCE-" he drew himself up rather importantly, holding his hand out with a flourish, as if he were presenting his next statement to you, "WOULD YOU STEAL BREAD TO FEED YOUR STARVING FAMILY?"

"Yes," you answered immediately, but then you paused and went on uncertainly, "I mean, n-no," you hesitated, asking nervously, "What's the right answer?"

"THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER," he said, a triumphant spark flaring momentarily in his eye sockets before he held up one hand and nodded in a knowing way, "IT IS A MORAL CONUNDRUM."

"I see," you said slowly, your expression stoic.

"YES. SO YOU DO," he brought his hands together to steeple his fingers again, staring at you sagely, "TODAY, HUMAN... I REQUIRE YOUR ASSISTANCE... IN A _CRIME_."

"What... kind of crime?" you asked, narrowing your eyes again.

He looked around once more, and held one finger to his teeth in a clear 'be quiet' motion, then gestured with one hand for you to follow him as he began to creep awkwardly down the hall, still crouching. His boots squeaked loudly against the wooden floor, and you thought you heard him mumble and grunt a few times in discomfort as he attempted to remain as low as possible, needing to catch himself with his hands a few times as he lead you along. You tried to mimic him, but found you had to stand just slightly to keep your balance, though you ducked down again quickly when he glanced at you over his shoulder, as if to check if you were still following.

"YOU ARE VERY STEALTHY, HUMAN," he said, forgetting to try to whisper.

"Thanks!" you said just as loudly, smiling. He nodded seriously, then kept going.

He lead you to his room, carefully opening the door and slinking inside. You followed him, and he flicked on the light switch as he pushed the door shut.

Inside, laid out on the floor, was a series of blueprints and scattered papers. You threw him a questioning glance and he nodded, so you crept closer, studying the blueprints. You heard him swear quietly as he continued to crouch over to you, lowering into a sort of squat that looked exceedingly uncomfortable.

The diagrams on the blue paper looked to be hand-drawn with care, the notes all in Papyrus's spidery handwriting, as was the writing in the notebooks. The floor plan detailed the layout to the house, and all of the notebooks meticulously described the schedules of not just Sans, but yourself as well- your habits when you visited, the frequency of your visits. It looked as if Papyrus had been keeping track of everybody for quite some time, and you shot him an incredulously confused look, squinting your eyes. He nodded solemnly, then hung his head as if ashamed.

"I KNOW. MY SUBTERFUGE HAS GONE ON FOR FAR TOO LONG," he gave a heavy sigh, but you continued to stare at him, lifting your hands in a kind of ' _what the hell??_ ' gesture. He merely gave you a grave look, and then lifted the top set of blueprints, showing you the set underneath.

The basement was marked on this one. You had never been down there, and as far as you know, the door was always locked. There was nothing drawn on this page but the rectangle of the basement level- no walls, no furniture, no doors. The notes were sparse as well, mostly just random snippets about wood grain and the resonating frequency of... something?? You looked up at him again, perplexed, and he glanced around conspiratorially.

"OUR CRIME... WILL BE BREAKING AND ENTERING," he said very solemnly, and you frowned up at him as he went on, "YOU SEE, I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET INTO THE BASEMENT FOR WEEKS NOW, AND SINCE I HAD TO MAKE SURE NOBODY WAS AROUND, THAT MEANT KEEPING TRACK OF EVERYBODY'S SCHEDULE! SO, YOU SEE! IT WAS ALL A NECESSARY EVIL!"

"I mean, I guess?? But," you lifted the basement blueprints again, then looked at the notes about yourself in one of the notebooks, "Why... did you... I mean, you or Sans always invite me over, so you always knew when I'd be around?? So why did you need to take notes about me, too?"

"NEVER MIND THAT!" he exclaimed, slapping the blueprints back down and tapping them a few times, "WILL YOU HELP ME?"

"Is... this still about morals?" you asked, your expression still creased with extreme confusion. Papyrus gave a heavy, exasperated sigh, shaking his head as he dragged his hands down his face.

"YES, OF COURSE IT IS!" he said, then grabbed one of your hands in both of his, "IT IS ALL FOR THE GREATER GOOD, YOU WILL SEE WHEN WE GET THERE! DO YOU TRUST ME?"

He was being so serious now, it was starting to seem less funny and more... ominous. You _did_ trust him, but... what was down there in the basement that he needed to see so badly? Was this really even breaking and entering if it was _his_ basement? Why didn't he have a key to his own basement, anyway?? Actually...

"Why don't you have a key to your own basement?" you asked, and his expression twitched for a moment, then he looked away, mimicking the sound of clearing one's throat. He took his hands back, wringing them nervously as he glanced from side to side.

"IT... IS..." he hesitated for a long moment, during which there stretched a long silence. Then he snapped his fingers triumphantly, "IT IS FORBIDDEN! THAT'S RIGHT!"

"I... what..." you stared down at the blueprints again, and he suddenly placed his whole hand over them, splaying his fingers out as if to cover them. You glanced up at him, and he was staring at you with such intensity that your resolve began to waver. Was this actually something serious??

"PLEASE," he said, his tone urgent now, and you blinked, frowning, "I NEED HELP."

"A-alright," you said quickly, nodding, and his whole expression shifted for a moment to triumphant glee- and then it was grave once more as he nodded back, crouching over to the door and switching the light off as he carefully opened it.

You followed him into the hall, growing slightly more frustrated with his stilted pace, so intent as he was to simultaneously crouch as low as possible to the ground, while also creeping forward towards your destination. The basement door was in the kitchen, and while his boots had already been squeaking against the wooden floor, it was nothing compared to how they sounded against the tile. You grimaced against the screeching as he pulled himself along towards the laundry room, then stopped short and turned right, towards the door that stood next to the pantry. You waited for his move, but he merely studied the door for a moment, then turned to you.

"HUMAN," he said, backing away from the door slightly, "WILL YOU INSPECT IT FOR ME? SEE IF YOUR WEIRD, SQUISHY EYES CAN SPOT SOMETHING I HAVE MISSED."

"Alr _ight_ then," you said, slightly put-off by his description as you crept closer, eyeing the door.

You raised up slightly to feel along the frame, and towards the top you felt something... taped there? You pulled it off and flipped it over in your hand. It was a key.

Papyrus gasped from behind you, and you shot him a confused look.

"It's- a key??" you said with uncertainty, and he nodded frantically, nudging you a little and gesturing towards the door handle.

"TRY IT!" he exclaimed excitedly, not bothering to whisper-shout, "TRY IT ON THE DOOR! IT'S CLEARLY _THE_ KEY, CORRECT?" he asked, as if you would know better than he did. You made a low, suspicious noise, but ripped the tape off of the key and tried it in the knob. It worked, because of course it did. After the locking mechanism clicked, the door swung away from you, as if on its own, and a cold breeze blew up from the pitch dark depths of the basement.

You stood there for a moment, gazing into the dark as tension coiled in your body. It felt as if many eyes were watching you, many voices whispering... Suddenly, you didn't want to do this anymore, but Papyrus was urging you forward excitedly. When you didn't budge and shook your head, he shot you a concerned look, seeming to take note of your tension. He chuckled and drew himself up proudly.

"FEAR NOT, SILLY HUMAN! IT IS MERELY A DARKENED STAIRWELL LEADING DOWN INTO THE FREEZING UNKNOWN," he said, taking a step onto the stairs, "I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL GO FIRST AND CALL UP TO YOU WHEN I REACH THE BOTTOM. OR! PERHAPS! THERE WILL EVEN BE A LIGHT SWITCH THAT WILL TURN ON WHEN I GET DOWN THERE?? WHO KNOWS!?" he said, excitement and glee ringing behind his words as he bounded forward. Overcome by the sudden urge to _keep him here_ , where it was _safe_ , where you could _see_ him, you reached out to grab him, your hand almost brushing his shirt-

"Papyrus-" but your voice trailed off as he moved out of your reach, seemingly not hearing you as he stepped through a literal wall of darkness. Your fingers closed on empty air, and you shivered, the hairs on the back of your neck standing on end, goose-flesh rising across your skin.

Seconds passed, then minutes. Your mouth went dry the longer you stood there, gazing down into the dark while disembodied voices whispered back at you. It felt like it had been hours, but a glance at the clock told you it had only been about ten minutes, give or take a few. Your eyes flickered back down to the gloom, waiting. Papyrus should have reached the bottom by now, shouldn't he? You couldn't hear his creaky shoes anymore, and he hadn't called up to you like he said he would. Was he alright? Did he fall? Did he...

"Papyrus?" you called down into the basement. No sound echoed back to you, and you got no response from the shadows, aside from the ever-present whispering that seemed to grow more frantic at the sound of your voice, "P-Papyrus, are you okay?? Can you hear me down there?"

There was still no sound save for the whispering voices, all indistinct and jumbled, almost as if they were speaking too quickly for you to understand. You took a hesitant step closer to the door, your hand resting against the cool frame. Another cold breeze blew up the stairs and ruffled your hair, almost playful in its carelessness. It brought a smell with it, something faint, almost like... pine needles?

"Papyrus, please!" you were yelling now, almost panicked, "Please, answer me!" you cried out, and the whispering stopped.

Silence. Cold. Darkness.

You took a deep, steadying breath.

In...

Out...

You took a step forward into the gloom, almost shaking from how tense your muscles were, as if you might explode from the slightest provocation. You traversed further down, and when you hit the wall of darkness, it felt like crossing over a threshold. The air pressure was different, almost thicker, and the darkness was almost as thick, no light at all penetrating it from the open door behind you. Looking around, the only thing that you could see (thankfully) were the stairs, which somehow gave off a faint glow of their own without actually illuminating anything. Your lower body, legs, and feet were still silhouettes, and if the steps hadn't been there to guide you, it would have felt like your eyes were closed.

As it was, you almost felt like you were walking down the staircase through a literal void- the cold sapped your voice away, the darkness sapped your courage. It took all you had not to bolt back upstairs and slam the door shut behind you. Then, the memory of Papyrus looking at you so seriously in his room came to you in the darkness.

 _PLEASE,_ his words echoed in your mind, giving you the strength to continue, _I NEED HELP._

You took another deep breath, swallowing as you forced yourself onward. You had to find Papyrus. You had to help him, if he was in danger.

Your stocking feet touched the cool tile of the basement floor. Light flared up abruptly from everywhere at once, almost blinding you after the pitch darkness of the stairs, while about a dozen voices all roared at you as one-

" _SURPRIIIIISE!_ "

Your brain short circuited as you blinked at your surroundings, your eyes slowly adjusting.

There was Alphys and Undyne, grinning from a large, fold-out table in the center of the room, on which was a humongous, colorful birthday cake with a multitude of candles on top, all different shapes and sizes. You were pretty sure one of them was actually an altar candle?? Another was definitely just a big Yankee candle, the sudden scent of pine needles wafting over you again as a revolving fan nearby blew the smell around the room. You blinked blearily at them, your eyes drifting to Sans, who was waving casually from his spot at the table, slumped over and relaxed, then to Bratty and Catty, both giggling and grinning at you, then to Burgerpants lounging on a stool in the corner, a joint hanging from his shit-eating grin. Even Muffet was here, standing far away from the door and leaning against the wall, one hand raised-

Oh, no, it wasn't Muffet. Another, more critical look told you it was a life-size cardboard standee made to _look_ like Muffet, with a note hanging around its neck that said, in big, clear, cursive script: ' _Sorry I couldn't be here. Happy Birthday!_ '

You blinked at the room again, uncomprehending, as Papyrus appeared from the corner of your vision, rushing forward with a huge grin on his face. You locked onto him immediately, some residual panic flaring up for a second as you launched yourself his way.

" _Papyrus!_ " you shouted, latching onto him before he could speak, "I thought- where did- I thought you were _dead!_ " you cried, hugging him tightly around the ribs. After a moment, Papyrus returned your embrace, clearly puzzled.

"WHAT??" he chuckled, rubbing circles into your back and looking around at the other guests, who all appeared to be different degrees of amused and befuddled, "WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT??"

"Because- because you- you didn't say anything when you got to the bottom!" you exclaimed, gripping him tighter. He chuckled again, holding you a little closer in response.

"NYEH HEH HEH, OF COURSE NOT! I HAD TO RETAIN THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE!" he said proudly, but you shook your head against his chest, almost on the verge of tears.

"But- but, the whispering!" you insisted. He made a disgruntled sound.

"YES, EVERYBODY JUST COULD NOT KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT, _COULD_ THEY??" he must have shot someone a look, because you heard an indignant noise.

"Hey! It's not my fault you took so long!" Undyne was saying, though Alphys appeared slightly apologetic.

"Yeah, like, and it's not like," Bratty said.

"Like they even _suspected_ anything!" Catty finished.

"AND OF COURSE BURGERPANTS HAD TO ENCOURAGE _THOSE_ TWO," Papyrus continued, clearly annoyed. Burgerpants shrugged.

"What can I say? I give the ladies what they want," he mumbled in a long-suffering sort of way, drawing himself up with a self-important air.

"HMM _MMMM_ YES, WELL, YOU WERE _SUPPOSED_ TO BE THE DJ!" Papyrus went on, almost stamping his foot, but presumably holding himself back because of how close you were.

"I _brought_ music," said Burgerpants slowly, gesturing towards an old stereo on the shelf beside him. Papyrus hummed loudly in frustration.

"The- the weird cold?" you said before they could start arguing, ignoring everyone but Papyrus. You pulled away slightly to look up at him, and with his attention back on you, Papyrus' expression had turned fond.

"Yeah, duh! Basements are, like," Bratty said before he could answer you, laughing with one hand curled across her mouth, as if to hide her giggles.

"Basements are, like, _totally freezing_ , you dummy!" Catty chimed in, mimicking Bratty's movements. You glanced over momentarily, and then took a step back from Papyrus, who let you go, though his fingers trailed down your arms as he did. You hardly noticed, looking around the room in confusion.

"Well- but- what's with _that_ , if it's so cold??" you persisted, pointing an accusing finger at the fan that had been responsible for the cold breezes and the smell of pine needles. Sans shrugged, winking.

"it's my biggest fan," he piped up nonchalantly, eliciting a groan from Papyrus and Undyne, but a series of giggles and chuckles from everyone else.

"The- and the strange... _really_ dark stairs?" You asked finally, your voice trailing off uncertainly as you looked to Papyrus once again, who was still smiling at you.

"oh, yeah, i can answer that, too," Sans drawled, drawing your gaze back to him. He offered you another lazy wink, "that's just 'cause the stairs are _really_ dark."

"I- but-" you sputtered, as everybody in the room chuckled at your distress, "Then- " You began, but Papyrus placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder.

"IT WAS ALL JUST A HORRIBLE SERIES OF SIMULTANEOUSLY MISUNDERSTOOD AND TERRIFYING THINGS, ALL ROLLED INTO ONE VERY CLEVER RUSE!" he said cheerfully, concern bleeding into his tone, "WE DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU!"

You hesitated, glancing around and then moving sluggishly over to a chair. You collapsed there as the adrenaline drained from your system, and you began to register what was going on. Your eyes finally actually took in the birthday cake before you, with its mismatched candles and bright blue icing, then the presents stacked on the table next to it. You looked around at the various decorations- the balloons, the streamers, even a piñata hanging near the corner- and you almost jumped when Burgerpants casually hit a switch on the nearby radio, turning on some music. Papyrus came to sit next to you, smiling softly and placing his hand back on your shoulder.

You gazed up at him dazedly.

"It's... not my birthday..."

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Papyrus was saying triumphantly, but before he could continue, a large chunk of neon blue cake slammed into the side of his skull.

"I DROVE AN _HOUR_ TO GET HERE!" Undyne roared as Sans, his eyes closing, slumped out of his seat to conveniently roll under the table and out of the line of fire, "ALPHYS CANCELLED A _CLASS_ FOR THIS!!"

"UNDYNE, NO!!"

You didn't listen to the rest of their arguing, as it quickly devolved into a cake fight between the monsters, and you ended up joining Sans and Alphys under the table. Sans appeared to have fallen asleep, while Alphys was huddled up anxiously, wringing her hands.

"Um... h-happy p- _pre_ -birthday?" Alphys said hesitantly when she noticed you, a nervous grin forming even as sweat beaded along her brow.

"just you wait, buddy," Sans spoke up suddenly before you could answer, making Alphys jump. Both of you glanced towards him as he cracked one eye socket open, his eye light trained on you, "paps is a whiz at parties- the _real_ one's gonna be a _doozy_."

You only sighed in response as the Yankee candle was whipped violently across the room towards Burgerpants, where it crashed through the radio and broke to pieces against the wall. The music was replaced by his devastated wailing, his joint falling to the ground.


End file.
